I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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