This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
