i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
