I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
