Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
