My nipple is on Facebook.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
be right there i have to get my cape
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
