Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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