i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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