1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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