i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
