Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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