If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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