Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
