I skipped work to stalk him.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
