True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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