After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
