So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
