Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
