I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
