It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
