We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
