he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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