Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
