Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize