when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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