our cab driver is having phone sex.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
