I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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