Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
be right there i have to get my cape
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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