sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
