I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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