So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
