I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
