I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
