Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
