I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
