Just cropdusted the office
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize