I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
