I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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