at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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