He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
