She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
