Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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