just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
