i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
