before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i dont even know how to be here
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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