I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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