so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
