I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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