While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
