no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
