Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
