using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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