yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
