I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
