I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
