Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
