I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
