Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
