I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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