I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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