I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
