apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
