no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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